


it's always been you.

by blxegansey



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Angst, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-27
Updated: 2016-10-27
Packaged: 2018-08-27 10:35:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8398240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blxegansey/pseuds/blxegansey
Summary: prompted on tumblr. check out my writing blog.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Lots of thanks to [Sophia](http://sassticus.tumblr.com/) for the amazing amount of help.

Ronan, in one swift but slightly tipsy jump, landed cross-legged on the hood of his father’s old BMW, next to a close-eyed scrying Adam. He stared at the tarot cards with suspicion, the illustrations staring back at him, judging him. He leaned back, face angled up to the darkening sky. Ronan breathed deeply and closed his tired eyes. His hands, slung over his knees, unconsciously toyed with the thin bands of leather around his wrist. Within his sluggish mind fearful thoughts were spiraling around, the Greywaren struggled to keep track of them.  
“Are you okay?”  
His eyes opened to find Adam’s face turned towards him. Cabeswater clearly done with him, for now at least. He could feel the concern in Adam’s gaze, studying and analyzing, but he could see a bitterness hidden behind the self-possessed look.  
“I’ve been worse.” He muttered, shifting his weight closer to rest his head on the familiar crook of Adam’s neck. He didn’t tell him about what he feared. He didn’t tell him about having to drain the bottle to numb himself.  
“Ronan?” He shifted his head towards his name, responding to the unusual whispered tone of how Adam said his name.  
Adam’s face wore an expression that reawakened his fear. Impending disaster, something that happened too many times, slowly began to crash down over Ronan like a faraway storm.  
“This isn’t-” Adam addressed the scrying bowl and car hood, avoiding a direct look at Ronan. “We can’t do this.”  
“Is that what your water bowl and fucking tarot cards told you?” He was angry and scared. Probably more scared than angry, but Ronan Lynch wasn’t known for his even temper. He wildly kicked at the bowl, a loud thud echoing as it clattered onto the empty roadside.  
Even with the heavy breathing from both of them they could hear the rustle of the wind through the roadside trees. The bowl had stopped moving and clanking on the asphalt when Adam continued; “Ronan, we can’t go through all that hurt again.”   
“WE can’t go through all that hurt again?” Ronan repeated mockingly, jumping off the car and almost landing on his side in his sloppy drunken state. “ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME? I’m the one being constantly left behind when you decide you’ve grown tired of me, until you decide to start it all again when you get all bored with your little magic shit and fucking Cabeswater.”  
“Don’t, Ronan!” Adam stood too, a few feet away. The trees kept rustling, Ronan defensively crossed his arms over his chest- ready for Adam’s reasoned argument: “That’s not true.”  
“You know what?” Ronan spat on the ground and backed away, putting some distance between them, . “Fuck you, Adam Parrish.” The space between them wasn’t just figurative anymore. “I’m done with your bullshit.” Anger crept into his words, arming them with emotion, his aversion to hurting Adam dissipating completely, words were his arsenal in this on-going war with Adam. “I’m not gonna stand here and take this again only to go through your fucking repetitive cycle again and again.” He was shouting now, his words were a bit slurred, but he didn’t care.   
“Ronan, please.” Adam stressed the ‘please’ and that sounded like he was the one getting hurt, not Ronan. “You’re drunk and in no state to do this right now.”  
“Oh, yeah? Is that why you chose right this moment to break up with me again?” Tears ran fast down his cheeks. Ronan Lynch always prided himself on not crying much, especially not in front of others, but right now he couldn’t stop. He couldn’t hold himself together. Even swearing didn’t help him right now, it was just too much.   
“I’m sorry, you’re right.” Adam sounded sincere, but Ronan didn’t meet his stare to check. He could picture that expression he used whenever he apologized for something as clear as any of his dream things.  
“But-” Adam’s stopped, then his voice was back to the frequent emotionless tone he used for his break-ups, his Henrietta accent hidden behind a veil of practiced indifference. “This is just not going to work. With you. You... it’s always like I’m not enough, you probably want.. need... something more.”  
“Fuck that! It’s always been you for me.” Ronan was shouting. He didn’t even care that angry tears were filling his eyes. “I’ve never betrayed you! I’ve never left you alone for weeks!” His thoughts rushed out, exposed to the air, to Adam. “It’s you, it’s always been you. You always fill me with feelings of insufficiency and idiocy. You-”  
Ronan suddenly fell silent. He felt naked and defenseless; his outburst made him feel vulnerable and naked. His words had a stronger effect on him than his fragile tears had.  
The boy facing Ronan stared, eyes in contrast to his; dry and tearless, almost emotionless. In barely a whisper, he breathed, his accent slipping from under his pretense, “I’m sorry, Ronan, I just can’t.”  
Adam walked away. He trudged down the road in the opposite direction toward his own car, away from Ronan, apparently immune to his tears. Ronan stood there, immobile. He waited, gazing transfixed at the slumped curve of Adam’s retreating back until he was near his car and Ronan’s eyes were too blurry with tears for him to see Adam.   
￼


End file.
